New Years Resolution

While it's not often that I set a New Years Resolution because I believe that the moment you want to change something should be the time to do it, I've currently realized that this blog and what I intended for it has slipped to the way side.  And the timing just happens to be around New Years!  So with that in mind, my NY Resolution is to blog more often and make sure that this is my way to fill my cup on a regular basis. I promise to myself that I will take the time out to fill my personal cup and share my experiences, resources and stories of my passions for breastfeeding and birth!

Mommyhood 101

Since I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom.  Well, once I got past the fear of birth and thinking I was just going to adopt all my kids because I didn't want blood drawn!!  I wanted to raise a family and do special things with my children like ride bikes, go to the park, watch them perfom on stage or in sports.  I wanted to be there for them no matter what.  This is what I thought being a mom was all about. When I got pregnant, I thought that it was the best thing that could ever happen to me.  I began to do the research on the best practices, breastfeeding and formula, natural birthing, best crib, etc.  I wasn't unprepared, but there were certainly things that I never really thought twice about until now.

There is so much more to mommyhood than simply being with your children.  I've learned that being fully present isn't as always easily done.  It's one thing to be in the same room, but to find the ability to still give your child your full attention after working away from home all day, that can be tough at times.  Or to get off the phone (so guilty of this), computer or peel your eyes away from the T.V. to witness your child simply playing in the corner can be challenging because that article is just too good to stop reading!  Being a mom means that you will never be on time again, anywhere, whether they go with you or not!  It means that my house is always a disaster because I choose playtime and naps with my daughter over picking up the toys that will be taken out in another 30 minutes anyways or simply rinsing the dishes is a 3 hour job.  It means that when you think they are finally down for a nap and you and your partner want to have some alone time, your children will wake up at the worst oportune moment and need you, even if your partner needs you, too. 

Mommyhood brings dirty diapers, snot noses, confliction in the best ways to raise them, self ridicule, ridicule from others, unsolicited advice, unkempt homes, tears, sweat, energy (and lack of), financial worries and Negativity.  We have grown in a society that focuses on all the bad things of being a parent or how to parent, and too busy saying "No!", that we forget that these little bodies and minds will one day use what's been taught to them in their life.  Do we want our children to grow up in a negative world? So as a mom, I'm learning that even though there are tough sides to being a parent, I will remain positive and as optimistic as possible.  My hubs sometimes tells me that I don't see logic and reality.  I do.  But don't we want our children to believe that good things happen, too?  And not everything in life is "no".  Right now there's this huge "Mommy Wars" happening and instead of supporting mommyhood as a whole, we bring other's and their parenting choices down in discouraging light or take responsibility for our own choices instead of knocking someone else because they did something you either don't agree with or wasn't able to do.  I don't want my children to grow up like this.  While I want them to know that negative light exists, mommyhood has taught me to stay focused on the positive.

The greatest joys I've found in my journey through mommyhood has been my daughter's first smile, coo, babble.  I still get excited when we've gone stretches without a poopy or pee filled diaper!  The first time she started to play with her toys, sit up on her own, or laugh that sweet, full-of-life laugh.  The way she explores her world and wants so desperately to share it with us! The first time she looked straight at me and said "mama".  When she gets so excited and jumps her little booty up and down when I walk in the door from work.  They way she crawls to me and into my arms to have hugs and milkies.  The fact that she is now learning to sign and can tell me she wants milk.  How my breast is the one place that comforts her most and makes her world seem okay for the moment.  The fact that I have never told her "No" to comfort nursing in public but the times I have told her "No" have been to protect her and explaining why.  I've learned that we must respect our children, as they are no less equal than us and have rights and feelings, too.  I've learned what unconditional love truly means and how I want to protect this life in any way, but I also don't want to smother to the point that she doesn't have any bumps and bruises at all.  I wasn't prepared for this kind of love, but I'm sure as hell embracing it. 

So while I thought being a mom was an awesome gig, I had no clue as to how truly an amazing gift it really is.  My daughter is only 10 months old, and I still have LOTS more to learn, but we will go along, teaching one another through the good, the bad and the beautiful moments of life.

Time's a Tickin'

It's truly amazing how fast time flies.  I created this blog with the intent to blog on a somewhat concise basis... it has been months.  I wake up or go to sleep with things I want to write about and think I'll remember this and blog tomorrow.  It never happens.  I'm partly ok with that.  The thing that usually takes up my time is my daughter.  She requires the attention most days or nights that may otherwise be directed to this.  And the times when she's sleeping, I tend to do the same!  Lately, besides working and sustaining my daughter's life (as I feel that's all I do these days!) we've been on the hunt to purchase the right home for our family.  It's been a long road, since before my daughter was born last July, we've been searching for homes to rent.  This past January we made the decision to see if we would even have the opportunity and credit line to be considered for a home loan.  Low and behold, the gods were good to us!  We have finally found a home that is perfect for us and now the wait to close begins!  We are extremely excited.  But for now, I'm enjoying not filling my time with realtor searches and drive bys through neighborhoods and enjoying my daughter once again.  I already feel like I miss so much with being away from work, having had spend hours a week on the house hunting felt like it was another burden to her and I. 

I cannot believe that she'll be nine months on Friday.  It blows my mind, but how can it not go by so quick.  Ya know, with all the milestones speeding through! She's been pulling to stand for a few months now and cruising along the couch and from toy to toy.  She's let go to stand alone a few times, and part of me just wishes she'd continue to hold on a little longer.  It's just going by so fast.  We take tens of hundreds of pictures and videos, and still I feel it's not enough to remember these days.  One thing that I'm proud of and happy about, our nursing relationship is still going super strong, and no end in the near future.  This warms my heart.  She has very little interest in food, but she's no skinny minnie! Breastmilk has sure shown it's true colors with this tall, chunky, smart monster of mine!

Nursing has now been officially upgraded to Gym-nurstics status and I crack up at the things she does! Laying across, butt up in the air, on top, around the side - it's quite a sight!  With everything moving so fast, the one thing that always makes me and my daughter slow down is when she nurses.  It gives me the time to pawn over her with pure adoration, while she lay still for that brief moment, or perhaps even drift to off la-la-land.  She is my rose, and I love to stop and smell her. 

From One Day to the Next

It's been a wonderment of beginings for my little girl.  On Christmas day, she tried her first banana.  Grace basically sucked on it and then spit it out!  On New Years day, she not only got her first tooth, but was starting to lift her tummy off the ground and get on all fours.  Her inspiration?  Our kitty  Go figure, 13 days later she would decide to take her first coordinated crawling exploration!  Now, she's just learning to pivot all around and once she finds our cat, it's game over.  She's on a straight path to her, and boy is she getting some momentum in her speed!  Grace has also given me the pleasure of a melting heart.  Her newest thing is to say "Mam-mam" when she has a need to be met.  It's purely the sweetest thing.  I never thought that a sound as simple as "mam-mam" could have such an effect on a person.  She's only six months (1/20/12) but I can't ever see how I lived without her.  Truly, the answer is that I didn't.  When I was talking with a resident that I work with, they always ask how my daughter is, what's she doing these days, etc.  The resident then made the statement that I just beam every time she asks me about Grace and that I truly look like a happy mommy.  She proceeded to tell me that she feels the best part of her life was raising her children and that she felt that she didn't really begin to live until they were born.  At that moment, it clicked and I knew exactly the feeling she was talking about.  It amazes me how one little collection of cells can grow inside you to a beautiful, warm, cuddly baby that you love more than life itself.  Better than any baby doll you ever had growing up! 

With a child, you don't know what's going to happen from one day to the next.  Every morning when you both wake up, you may think you know what's in store for the day when in actuality, you have no idea!  Just as I didn't know when I peed on that little stick, it was going to come back saying "Pregnant".  I didn't know that I was going to be the happiest pregnant woman around and absolutely adore pregnancy.  I didn't know that my world would come crashing down after being transfered out of my birth center and resulting in bringing my daughter into this world via ceserean.  Or that because of that, I would feel a disconnect from her that we would have to work hard on making that bond and deal with our issues breastfeeding.  So many unknowns just in those first months!  And now, we are as connected as magnets - it's hard to pull us apart even when we are!  She's still breastfeeding, crawling, babbling and saying "mam-mam", sitting up, rolling all around like it's going out of style, reaching for everything in sight, laughing hysterically and brightening our day with the simplest smile.  All these milestones and it feels like she was just born the other day.  It's shocking how fast time flies by you when you have something to look forward to each day.  I hate leaving her in the morning to go to work, but I anxiously await my return home and now, I'm greeted with a huge smile and today, she crawled after me when I went to change my clothes!  She's growing up so quickly!  I wonder what new adventure in parenting tomorrow may bring?

Do you mind covering up? Your face is making me uncomfortable...

Tis' the season for unsolicited commentation from the peanut gallery.  I typically don't go shopping all that often, other than to the grocery store and kids consignments.  Now that the holidays are here, I've been visiting the local retail stores with my little one bundled in her sling along for the ride.  I'm the type of mom that really doesn't care if it makes the general public "uncomfortable" if I were to nurse my daughter.  So why would shopping be any different?  As I walk through Wal-mart, my daughter is becoming antsy and getting tired.  I "whip" out a breast, latch her, and go about my shopping.  I have a nursing top on, but showing no more than I would in a low cut shirt.  Hardly anyone notices, until I get to the check out lane.  This wonderful Irish woman giggles and turns to her bo and said "That's amazing.  She's breastfeeding, shopping and checkin' out all at once!"  It was really sweet - a welcomed comment!  As I'm walking out to my car, this ignorant woman yells, rather loudly at that, "OH MY GOD ONLY AT WAL-MART!"  Like she just saw the trashiest thing ever, given that is what wal-mart is labeled as attracting to begin with.  I was appalled and completely taken aback.  Not only did this woman wake my gently sleeping daughter, but attract attention to me from the other people in the parking lot.  She proceeds to look back and snicker to her bo and I couldn't help it.  I lost my class and stooped to her level and shot some nasty words to her.  I thought that I was tough as nails when it came to NIP, but this event definately showed that I had a soft spot, and that woman poked her little finger right through it. 
Why do people, especially other women, feel they can say whatever comes to their mind?  It seems like moms/grandmoms/nannys/etc tend to offer their advice, especially on things they have little to no knowledge on.  Like breastfeeding.  My mother and grandmother didn't have great luck in that department.  So when I tell me grandmother that were coming by plane for Thanksgiving, she reminds me to take a pacifier.  "Grandma, we don't use pacifiers"  "Well, what are you going to do for take off and landing?"  "I'm going to nurse her."  "OH Missy NO! That's disgusting! No one wants to see that!  That's an intimate thing to be done privately!"  Seriously, Grandma?  Everytime a rude, ignorant comment gets thrown at someone that's doing the best they can for their kids, it's like a slap in the face.  It's not like I go around saying "Hey, isn't your kid too old to be using a pacifier?  I mean, they're potty trained for heaven's sake!" or "Umm... do you mind covering up your bottle?  That's making me uncomfortable."  There are some people that are so nasty in themselves that I would love to say, "Hey, do you mind taking yourself to the bathroom to breathe?"  That's harsh, I know, but I don't say these things because it's not my place and who the hell cares!  They aren't physically harming me and get this, if I don't want to see them, I can simply turn my head in the other direction! Check that out! 
Recently a mom was harrassed by Target associates for nursing in the store.  They then proceeded to gawk and make her feel terrible.  A nurse-in is now being developed.  It shouldn't have to come to this.  Only in America do we perceive natural ways to be disgusting, inappropriate, dangerous, uneducated (wtf ever), and outdated.  It's a shame.  Thanks to these modern ways of thinking, we are harming the futures of our children by taking away their birth rights to a normal, natural birth, remaining intact, and nursing freely for as long as they desire and anywhere they wish to nurse. 
Now, not all people make rude comments.  It's nice to get the supportive comments and typically through conversation you find that these people either nursed, their wives/sisters/mothers nursed or they are just genuinely kind and know that this is a tough feat and offer supportive words to try and offset they crappy ones.  All in all, keep on nursing in public ladies.  Ignore the comments and know that you may also be inspiring another mama to gather the courage to do it as well!  Show our younger generations that this is NORMAL!  If more people nursed in public, maybe less people would feel the need to make a mockery of themselves from talking out of their asses :)

To be or not to be... a SAHM.

The idea of being a stay at home mom has always appealed to me.  Before I ever even got pregnant, being a full-time mommy was my biggest desire in life.  I believe the overpowering need to be a SAHM steams from my mother never being home due to her FT job, and then home even less when she made the decision to go back to school.  I commend my mother for doing better for herself and her family, but the lack of her presence really put a strain on her relationship with her children.  This is currently one of my biggest fears.
I recently went back to work after having 11 amazing weeks at home with my daughter.  During this time, we developed an intense bond, established a healthy and strong breastfeeding relationship and simply got to know one another.  I figured out her general routine, her likes and dislikes, how to make her naps longer, and how to manage her and the house as well as attend local morning mommy groups.  Just when I was really getting into the swing of things, oh look it's time to go back to work!  I was not excited, however I was very greatful that my husband and I made it basically 3 months on very little income, although we payed the price once I returned to work.  To ease my transition, I worked 4 days a week, averaging right around 32 hours, for the entire month of October.  I took Mondays off, which was great because I was able to take Grace to Storytime at a local library.  I absolutely adore taking her to this! Her face just lights up when we start singing and dancing the "Baby a Go-Go" song.  November marks the begining of my 5 day work schedule and though I managed to swing my Monday's to come in late to take her 3 times a month, but that means I work later to make up for it.  I get to take her to storytime, but I miss putting her to bed.  It's a no win in my eyes; I still miss out on something.
I feel as though when I'm at work I miss out on so much with her.  My husband takes awesome care of her during the day and works double shifts on the weekends, and when I see her do something new (to me), he says casually "Oh, yea she's being doing that for awhile now."  Oh, thanks for telling me!  Of course I wouldn't see her do it right away because she's half asleep when I leave in the morning and ready for bed by the time I get home.  During the week, the time I spend with her is nursing her in the am and as soon as I get home, she is up for about an hour and then she wants to be nursed to sleep.  I should be able to nurse my baby throughout the day and night, not develop a relationship with my pump 2 times a day; and that's even if I get the chance to pump twice!  My husband makes comments all the time about how he feels it's so unnatural for him to have to get a bottle and warm the milk, etc.  He made a comment the other day that really got me thinking.  He told me that ever since I went back to work, I have been snippy with him and we've been fighting more overall.  He puts it to the fact that I was in my "element" when I was home with our daughter, and he knows the toll it takes on me to be away.  It's not how it should be.
Don't be mistaken, though, I really love my job.  This is also a major factor in the choice to continue working or being a SAHM.  However, I'm riddled with guilt and I agonize over making this choice constantly.  My main dilema concerns the same thought everyone else has - Can we survive on just one income?  The answer is no.  Then I think about getting a different job, maybe with a different shift time though I know it's a rarity that I'd find a job making even somewhat close to what I make now.  So is it worth it if you aren't happy with the job specifications? 
There are so many different reasons to stay home and so many to continue to work.  The goals I set for myself and my family seem to be reachable only through me not being home but laboring away at a demanding job that may not only affect the bond I have with my daughter, but also my milk supply.  My boss once told me that a woman she admired told her to experience each chapter in your life and not to rush through these moments of your life because they only last a short time.  I completely agree with this.  My daughter will not be young forever; hell she's already growing like a weed!  Soon, she'll be graduating from high school and moving out.  Do I really want to look back and say to myself how I wish I would have spent more time with her in her younger years? 
I'm not saying that I wouldn't find means to keep us above water.  My fear is jumping ship with a good job to take the chance to be a SAHM.  It's a risk I'm scared to take, but I know in my heart that it's a risk worth taking.

They said what?!

It's amazing how the information that's available differs so drastically, depending on who you talk to.  Nursing in public tends to bring up conversation freely and lately, I've spoken with some moms and moms-to-be about breastfeeding. I am absolutely floored about the things that they have heard from others, read about and even what their pediatrian or OB has told them.  Now I do not claim to know all about bf by any means, but I do research using breastfeeding friendly sites (not endorsed by formula companies), La Leche League recommended books, attend support groups and educational classes, etc. I recently met a mother that is currently pregnant again. She is still nursing her 1 yr old and wants to continue throughout her pregnancy, but her doctor said because she's pregnant she should wean her nursling due to the dangers it posseses to her unborn baby.  Wow.  She was obviously upset by this and I suggested that she attend a local La Leche League Support Group and gave her the info for the one I attend.  I mentioned that tandem nursing is very normal and told her to check out kellymom.com and to get a different opinion.  I do not know this moms history, but if she has a healthy pregnancy, she shouldn't have to stop nursing.  It baffles me the things that OB's tell their clients.  When a gorilla or chimp gets pregnant and they have a nursling, do they tell their nursling "oh, no honey.  No more milk for you," before they are ready? No.  Those babies typically nurse to five - seven years of age!  The contractions that a pregnant woman in a healthy pregnancy may experience while nursing are the SAME contractions that she would experience as she would during sex. Unless there's is no bleeding, weightloss or signs of preterm labor, nurse on!
Another mom made mention that her OB told her that her milk wasn't enough and she needed to supplement with formula.  Now, I'm not against formula supplementing if their are true issues, like glandular or you had your breasts removed, severe difficulties with low supply, etc.  However, these are rare cases and not the norm.  The norm is that a bf mom can nurse her baby just fine without any additional assistance.  But it seems that its the other way around, and that's a problem.  Too many moms are not being supported by their pediatricians to continue to bf but offer alternatives, i.e formula, instead.  They give their reason and then offer a sample can of formula!  This doctor is clearly not breastfeeding friendly - run quickly.  I don't understand the mindset other than they receive perks, just as some doctors do for prescribing certain medications.  If a mom does formula, it's almost a gaurentee that she isn't told that if she mixes formula with her breastmilk in the same bottle, she is essentially killing her breastmilk and it was basically pointless.  The proper way to supplement is to give the breastmilk in either nursing session or in it's own bottle THEN give the formula.  Why?  Breastmilk is alive and formula isn't.  Simple as that. The problem of forced supplementing can start as early as your baby's birth during your hospital stay.  A mom told me that she had her heart on exclusively bfing, but the nurses forced her to give formula because the baby was "hungry".  I'm sorry. This nurse needs to have her license revoked or moved out of the nursery.  Is she aware that aa mothers milk doesn't come in for three to seven days and that the baby during this time needs only the colostrum that mom provides being that his stomach is around the size of a quarter? Best for Babes Foundation calls these situations "Booby Traps" that stand in the way of moms everywhere to have a successful breastfeeding experience.  We need to give moms the knowledge and power to stand up against these traps and to know that they are doing what's best for their babies.  If formula supplementing is what's best, that's fine, too.  But if a mom knows that she is capable of having an enjoyable bf relationship that helps her baby to thrive and creates a beautiful bond, show her support to make that happen.  It's more than a desire for most moms, it's a need.  It breaks my heart everytime I hear a mom say "I wanted to breastfeed longer, but we just couldn't." with their reasons ranging from low supply, being too painful, but the biggest one was they didn't have support from their loved ones or physicians.  Attend support groups, find other moms who have been successful, and educate yourself.