The idea of being a stay at home mom has always appealed to me. Before I ever even got pregnant, being a full-time mommy was my biggest desire in life. I believe the overpowering need to be a SAHM steams from my mother never being home due to her FT job, and then home even less when she made the decision to go back to school. I commend my mother for doing better for herself and her family, but the lack of her presence really put a strain on her relationship with her children. This is currently one of my biggest fears.
I recently went back to work after having 11 amazing weeks at home with my daughter. During this time, we developed an intense bond, established a healthy and strong breastfeeding relationship and simply got to know one another. I figured out her general routine, her likes and dislikes, how to make her naps longer, and how to manage her and the house as well as attend local morning mommy groups. Just when I was really getting into the swing of things, oh look it's time to go back to work! I was not excited, however I was very greatful that my husband and I made it basically 3 months on very little income, although we payed the price once I returned to work. To ease my transition, I worked 4 days a week, averaging right around 32 hours, for the entire month of October. I took Mondays off, which was great because I was able to take Grace to Storytime at a local library. I absolutely adore taking her to this! Her face just lights up when we start singing and dancing the "Baby a Go-Go" song. November marks the begining of my 5 day work schedule and though I managed to swing my Monday's to come in late to take her 3 times a month, but that means I work later to make up for it. I get to take her to storytime, but I miss putting her to bed. It's a no win in my eyes; I still miss out on something.
I feel as though when I'm at work I miss out on so much with her. My husband takes awesome care of her during the day and works double shifts on the weekends, and when I see her do something new (to me), he says casually "Oh, yea she's being doing that for awhile now." Oh, thanks for telling me! Of course I wouldn't see her do it right away because she's half asleep when I leave in the morning and ready for bed by the time I get home. During the week, the time I spend with her is nursing her in the am and as soon as I get home, she is up for about an hour and then she wants to be nursed to sleep. I should be able to nurse my baby throughout the day and night, not develop a relationship with my pump 2 times a day; and that's even if I get the chance to pump twice! My husband makes comments all the time about how he feels it's so unnatural for him to have to get a bottle and warm the milk, etc. He made a comment the other day that really got me thinking. He told me that ever since I went back to work, I have been snippy with him and we've been fighting more overall. He puts it to the fact that I was in my "element" when I was home with our daughter, and he knows the toll it takes on me to be away. It's not how it should be.
Don't be mistaken, though, I really love my job. This is also a major factor in the choice to continue working or being a SAHM. However, I'm riddled with guilt and I agonize over making this choice constantly. My main dilema concerns the same thought everyone else has - Can we survive on just one income? The answer is no. Then I think about getting a different job, maybe with a different shift time though I know it's a rarity that I'd find a job making even somewhat close to what I make now. So is it worth it if you aren't happy with the job specifications?
There are so many different reasons to stay home and so many to continue to work. The goals I set for myself and my family seem to be reachable only through me not being home but laboring away at a demanding job that may not only affect the bond I have with my daughter, but also my milk supply. My boss once told me that a woman she admired told her to experience each chapter in your life and not to rush through these moments of your life because they only last a short time. I completely agree with this. My daughter will not be young forever; hell she's already growing like a weed! Soon, she'll be graduating from high school and moving out. Do I really want to look back and say to myself how I wish I would have spent more time with her in her younger years?
I'm not saying that I wouldn't find means to keep us above water. My fear is jumping ship with a good job to take the chance to be a SAHM. It's a risk I'm scared to take, but I know in my heart that it's a risk worth taking.
